"My partner and I want to try BDSM, but we don't know where to start."
If we had a dollar for every time we've heard that at events....
...we'd probably have around $150, plus or minus.
Anyways, being a bondage/kink beginner may seem intimidating, but it's really not! It's really just determining what you're into, mutually agreeing on how it's gonna go down, and then following a recipe from start to finish. No whips and chains required!
(It's cool- you can get creative and more spontaneous once you've learned the ropes...pun intended.)
Here are our top 5 tips on dipping a toe into bondage play, if your vibe is vanilla!
1. The first rule of BDSM is that you ALWAYS TALK ABOUT BDSM. In other words, COMMUNICATION and CONSENT is key: Before, during, and after BDSM play. First, talk about what you'd like to explore together. Orgasm control/delay? Temperature play? Impact play/spanking? All of which are completely accessible for beginners, and they require little investment (but a little bit of research). Once you've determined your gameplan (ALWAYS have a gameplan, especially when first getting started.) How you'd like to start, what you do and DO NOT want during play, and aftercare as well- how to help the body recover from either some light spanking, etc. ... or bask in the bliss of a mind-blowing orgasm (because BDSM and power exchange is alllllll about the build-up). And lastly- the good ol' SAFEWORD. Choose a random word that won't necessarily take you OUT of the situation ("PRIME RIB!" could go either way, no?) -- but something out of the ordinary that you wouldn't necessarily hear during sex, or in a BDSM session. Some that we've heard, according to friends in the past are "banana" or simply the stoplight concept: "red" for PUT A HALT ON IT! (Also, those weren't according to friends JFYI, because we freaks.)
2. A blindfold is the gateway to BDSM play! At least that's our motto around here. BDSM stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism. In other words, it's an exchange of power. Using a blindfold removes the 'submissive' partner's ability to see - which means they are putting the dominant partner in the driver's seat of their pleasure -- and the whole experience. This doesn't mean the Dom/Domme (dominant) gets to go buck wild and inflict pain and suffering, so hold your damn horses! It essentially means the opposite. The dominant assumes the role of a caretaker throughout the process - checking in frequently to ensure that the sub hasn't reached a threshold of discomfort or non-consent. (Always, ALWAYS remember the first rule of BDSM!)
3. Once you're comfortable with the new power roles, take another step. Introducing different types of sensory play is an organic step in a creative direction. Sensory play includes temperature play - incorporate a massage candle poured lightly down the back. Not just any candle can be used - ouch! A soy-based massage candle with a pour spout is a great example, because the wax will not burn the skin; it is a mellow warming sensation. And think outside the box! Look around the house - anything can be a sensory tool if you're creative enough! Christmas tree branches as a faux flogger? YES. Both sides of a hairbrush? YES. The flat side makes a badass paddle for beginners, and the bristley side feels awesome being traced on the back of the knees, shoulders, and on the bottom curve of the butt. Follow that up with an ice cube over the nipples or near the clit! And keep that blindfold on, people! Having one sense removed heightens the others.
4. To keep a session going (and enjoyable), switch up/alternate your techniques and tools -- it isn't a race to the finish. Take your time with your partner (or ask your partner that you'd like to experience X, Y and Z at least once during) - again, it's all about the buildup. Incorporating multiple types of sensual pleasure - and taking the sub on a journey of pleasure (and maybe a bit of sexual frustration) is the goal. Orgasm control is the art of building up sexual energy and stopping just before going over the edge. The practice is also known as edging. Once you determine the tools that will be used, it's just like following a recipe if you're a beginner. Your partner doesn't need to know the sequence of things, as long as you do (at least at first). After that, it's a matter of taking their lead by paying attention to their breath and body movements to guide you. Look at it this way: the submissive's physical reactions are the North Star!
5. All done with your first session? Back to rule number 1! You can open discussion right after, or the next day, whatever suits your preference. But talk. About. It! What did you like the most? What do you want to see less of? And what do you want next time? Again, just a simple blindfold can be the gateway to new sensual experiences with your significant other - and this level of communication is a fasttrack intimacy enhancer. Everybody wins! A reasonable next step would be a set of soft wrist and/or leg restraints (unless you're into the metal police handcuff thing). BUT taking that step does require a different level of education. Stay tuned for our next blog, which is safety tips for bondage restraints, starring our 3-piece BIND kit! (Shamless plug, you know it.)
Have fun, play safe!